When You Are Ready…

After years of seeking inner peace…sleeping fitfully or not at all…I woke up the other day in a panic.  I could barely hold myself together long enough to leave the room before my fear raised questions I couldn’t face at that moment.  My heart was racing and all I could think about was running and hiding.

At first I thought to myself…wow…this was one horrible nightmare you just had…but as I covered my face and cried uncontrollably on the edge of my bathtub I realized this was real…flashbacks…flashbacks to the beginning of what would make me believe I was unworthy of love…the beginning of believing this is what life is meant to be…all that I would ever deserve.

As I slept wrapped in the arms of the only man that has ever made me feel safe and protected…the one and only man that makes me believe I am worthy of real love…the memories came crashing in…I was so angry!  It felt so unfair!  Why are all of these repressed memories resurfacing now?!  Here I was feeling so incredibly loved…loving with all that I have to give…happy…I mean truly happy at long last…why now?  Is it because I knew I was safe?

The memories…

Lashes resting gently on little girl cheeks like butterfly wings…peaceful…dreaming little girl dreams…then she hears him enter…and she inhales and holds her breath…she screams a million silent screams…praying he’ll show mercy…knowing her prayers will go unanswered…just as they always have…she begins to cry out for her mama only to have his hand silence her…her voice unheard yet again…a voice that will learn to silence itself as she grows older…because silence is what this man taught her is expected of her.  The weight of him crushes her…there is no escape from the physical pain that is her reality at this moment…so she goes inside herself…she escapes…she wraps herself in gossamer…disappearing inside herself…more and more each time…

He is the monster of her nightmares…the slayer of her innocence…as the abuse continues the little girl builds walls she can hide within…she locks herself inside where she can escape the pain…as time goes by less of her returns from the hiding place…all that is good and pure and aching for love stays behind the walls…so that she can protect the little girl…so the pain cannot touch her…so that her pain will not touch those she holds dear to her as she grows up…but it’s a lie she’s told herself…the walls must come down…the little girl must forgive…so that she can be restored…so that love of herself and love from another can help her become whole again…

From my heart to yours…may my truth help you find yours…

To be continued…fragile

I’m Tired…I Can’t Always Be The Strong One

I’m tired…I’m weary…exhausted…from being strong, from being everything to everyone…from pretending I have it all together…when in reality my life can be messy! Chaotic! And at times spinning out of control!

I never planned to be this woman. But I’ve made choices, I never wanted to let anyone down, worked late into the nights to please and appease…until I was lost and alone…wondering and wishing…hoping and dreaming that someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I’ve been there for them. I am strong. I am independent. I grew alone until I fell in love with myself.

Ironically when you look at me you see me as this strong and able woman. Staying the course, steady…yet inside I am shaking…I am vulnerable…I am woman.

I am trying. Despite it all I wake up each morning and tell myself everything is going to be ok. And begin anew. Even though some mornings I can barely see thru the tears that fill my eyes…my arms ache from the weight of carrying it all…still…I try. It seems crazy to me that the world believes I can be this strong. That I can stand alone endlessly and hold it all together…alone. Because I am a strong, independent woman…

Am I the only strong woman that longs for help, a strong arm to reach for when I begin to feel weak…someone to simply fall against at the end of a long day…someone that knows my power and knows when I need his so I can take a deep breathe and regather my strength ..someone I can rely on to allow me to be me…my beautiful self…and that will be enough…?

Do I continue to attempt to prove to the world I don’t need a man or a warrior…all the while knowing I’m trying to convince myself…or do I bravely admit there’s no shame in needing someone…giving voice to the fact I can’t do this life thing all on my own…at least not forever…because I’m beginning to believe that two strong hearts don’t need to beat as one…but together they can build an extraordinary life.

I’m tired. I long to be taken care of. No! Not financially…this is not for me…but a strong arm to hold me. I am strong. I am soft…I want to be loved…to love…at long last…to allow myself to be loved as I deserve. To receive as I have given…I give up. Not because I’m a failure but because I have learned. Certainly I can do or be anything I need to be in a moment…that doesn’t mean I have to. I can’t do it all. I can’t smile and bear it all on my own.

I read somewhere that we should fake it till we make it. I wish to disagree. I want to be real with what I need and want. I’m willing to be vulnerable for it.

Less thinking…more feeling…giving into passion…falling into arms that feel like forever. a safe harbor…breathing into love. To be okay with needing someone…and staying true to who we are as a strong woman. In fact I’m stronger than I’ve ever been…and yet…I feel the need for someone more now than ever. Someone that will kiss me hard and hug me like nothing else matters. Someone that will remind me it’s okay to be strong…and it’s okay if I can’t be all of the time.

It’s time to let the one beside me be everything he wants to be…not at the expense of my strength and independence…but because he knows I am all of this and understands even the strongest woman needs a strong man to fall into. A man to trust and to believe. He will allow her to rest and not fear her comeback. Instead he will encourage and embrace it…fall more deeply in love because of her strength …he will be all that she has longed for…at long last. ❤️

Dear Woman…I Know Some Things Now…

I am not sure where you are on your journey or why you’ve become a part of mine. What I do know is every human has a story to tell…a past filled with beauty, pain, hopes, suffering and feelings only they can feel. What I do know is you are you. Your past everything along with your heart and soul created the today you. What I do know is our past won’t stay buried forever. In fact as you begin to get quiet with yourself and shut out the noise of all those who are attempting to control your thoughts and emotions (they too are humans learning) you will start to see snapshots of your lifetime that lead you to your here and now.

When you look at the moments from a place of hope and forgiveness…perhaps you will see as I am that while you cannot blame your choices on your past…you clearly see a pattern…reasons. You cannot take a single choice back. You can take ownership of it and ownership of where you’ll travel now. You need to make peace with it all. Don’t hold on to any of it! I’m being real here! Let it fucking go! This is where the road gets rough. They aren’t paved. There are ruts and drop offs. The dust you stir up will make your eyes gritty and the road you ache to travel difficult to see…drive blind if you have to!!! Pull over and take a breath…but don’t stop. Please…please don’t stop…

Frufru words and one liner quotes won’t make you feel stronger? What!? Whoever told you that is a liar. Gentle words and quotes that speak to you on a deeper level…they will have power to help you heal. Don’t stop believing in your power. As I’ve begun to open myself up to new experiences and relationships…because I thought I was ready…because I thought I was on a higher vibration…I swiftly felt the proverbial slap in the face to my reality! There’s no such thing as faking it until you make it with this stuff! Make it!!! Look at yourself and start to know what you deserve, feels right, makes you smile and laugh, makes you dream and hope, makes you feel YOU! Know that you have a purpose. When your own bullshit takes a backseat to your open heart…you will attract the good stuff. The real and meaningful stuff. Humans will come into your life that are so so amazing and see how incredibly beautiful you are! All of you and your broken pieces will be like a glorious light in their life!

It is time to allow yourself to be completely comfortable in you. It is time to shine your light so brightly that the darkest humans cannot touch your fragile soul and take away the pieces of you that matter most. They are longing and seeking and in pain…YOU cannot heal them all…not at the expense of you…I am sorry if this makes you feel anything other than strong. This is your strength. You mustn’t feel guilty or selfish. If someone is taking away your power to stroke theirs…and cannot see the damage they are causing…and you allow it…your light will quickly be extinguished…and you will again be living your life for someone else’s happiness…hug the hurt…then run! You have to love yourself enough to know when your about to get sucked into a place you may not survive…this is hard! These people will slay you with their words…people in pain…they can be cruel as fuck. And they will forget every single good thing you brought to their lives…because they see you walking away and losing light hurts. Do NOT stop walking! Again…you cannot heal anyone if helping them harms you. Go now and get stronger. Remember them…close the door…lock it…don’t throw away the key…just hang it up and know that until you are ready that door needs to stay locked! You may never open it again…but you may…because your healing is happening and when your there perhaps you’ll be able to again shine a light…

So gather up your jewels and put them back where they belong.

Forever with you on your travels,

Mary

Letting Go Of The Heavy

My story is filled with broken pieces, some pretty terrible choices and a whole lot of ugly truths. Many of the chapters are either still unwritten or don’t have a tittle. It’s okay though…I’m actually making a comeback! I am starting to learn to live as if my life matters as much as the lives of those I love…I’m starting to take action instead of wishing and waiting…I am beginning to forgive the past, not stress about the future…to live in THIS moment…in THIS day…the beautiful glorious days right here in the right now! Higher frequency!!

I am grateful…oh so very grateful…for my family, friends, animals, a home, my job, my therapist…for so very much…I thank the universe for showing me love.

So while some of my most beautiful chapters have yet to be written… today…this moment…this is where I belong. I hope that your journey is leading you home. We’re all holding hands and traveling together…and yet we all have to mind our own peace and happiness in order to spread that love.

Sending you love and courage and a freaking truckload of happy!!

Mary

Reinventing Beautiful

So let’s talk about dieting! Errr…no wait! Screw that! Let’s talk about life!! Real life and how you can start living that and stop always being on a diet! I’m guilty! Tried em all! Well most. Gained and lost so many times! Learned a lot about healthy eating. Not a damn thing about healthy living.

Until recently. It’s actually been a life long journey getting to today. Someday we can dig deeper but right now I just wanted to share a little tiny piece of my new found wisdom because…well just because I think it’s important! Too important not to speak it now and fill in the blanks as we travel together!

So here’s what’s happening…I am starting to fall in love…with myself!! I am healing and I am growing. I am discovering that loving yourself more isn’t selfish! In fact you cannot possibly love another human in the most healthiest of ways if you can’t at first embrace YOU! My God it’s so brilliant!!! I’m not completely there…the journey is incredibly long and the roads aren’t all paved but as I’ve started to care for myself…as I begin to direct that enormous love I’ve always put out to whoever was in my path that needed it the most…back to self…I’m starting to see the most powerful impact it’s having on me. Not just mentally either! Physically I feel more whole and strong…and lighter! What? I’m not on a single stinking diet! I just get up every morning with the intention to live each moment with grace and love for the world and for myself! Today I stepped on the scale and realized I’ve lost 19 pounds! Without dieting! Crazy right? Or is it?

Imagine yourself waking up living and feeling in each moment. It’s a different way of being in your own life! Do I have hard days, sadness and fear? Of course I do! But I don’t stay stuck in it! I am free to make choices that are good for me! And we’re not just talking food here! The picture is bigger!

What do you think? Worth trying? At the very least you’ll begin to see how truly extraordinary you are! And that my friends is Your higher powers gift to you! I have stopped trying to fit in and started learning to belong. Get your self love ❤️

WTF

As I get older the number of times I utter the words “WTF” (unabbreviated of course) has increased by an incredibly large percentage! Humans…sometimes you win…sometimes you run!!

New Beginnings…

Inspired by a conversation I had with some of my co-workers (whom I adore) I’m here again…it’s been a very long time!  I was going to delete all of my old posts and start fresh but…well…that’s crazy right?  Because those posts led me to today…so today can be a new beginning without erasing the past.  Seems about right to me!

For now it’s late…and I’m so very tired after a long day spent with family celebrating Mia’s 6th birthday…it was wonderful…just like family time always is.  So if you are stopping by thank you…I’m sorry I haven’t come up with something witty or inspirational for my very first post of 2018…but I promise when I return you’ll want to keep coming back…the journey is priceless!

Mary

If I Could Tell You One Thing…

grace

We call our selves special needs parents…we are…well…parents just like you…However there are differences between who we are and those who might not fully understand our life experiences.  We all need to learn to live with grace.

I could make a list of the differences but I hesitate…because I don’t want to point out all of the things that make us different…not at all…what I really want to do is share this one simple truth with you and hope that you will look at the world with a new kind of knowing in your heart.

My one simple truth…until you close your eyes and open your heart you will never see the beauty that’s experienced when you are in the presence of a special needs child…or an adult for that matter.  Never.  Period.  If you only see the moment rather than the human standing before you then you will miss out on a magic that can only be felt by a heart that embraces all.  Surely you know that as a parent of a special needs child we get that the lack of a filter can make things uncomfortable for you…hell…you think it’s easy on our end?  Not so much!  But let’s not forget that unfiltered can have an incredible impact on the world sometimes…like the times that love, joy, and happiness comes pouring forth into the world without any holding back…a smile, a laugh, a hug…they come naturally…my words can’t fully explain it…you have to feel it for yourself.

Next time you look upon a moment with pity or embarrassment try something that’ll change your life…close your eyes…take a deep breath…and see…it’s a moment…we all have them…open your heart to experience so much more…you’ll never look back and wish you hadn’t…I promise ❤

Self Censoring

I am trying to figure out how you get from spending your entire life…and yes I mean entire…or at least as far back as you can remember…self censoring at your own expense…how do you get from there…to self editing…to saying out loud your hearts thoughts…to be right and true and from your soul authentic…to stop yourself from stopping…from silencing your own voice…because sure there are those who will grab hold of your silence to feed their own needing souls…yet ultimately…the choice is your own…bravely exploring how to do this without exploding a million words into the universe that have been locked up inside for far too long…because you can’t just pour it all out…that seems so unfair…to those around you that you’ve allowed to control your voice…after-all…you did allow it…becoming.jpg