She Crawled…She Hurt…She Surrendered…

There are days that I look back on my life and feel deeply ashamed.

There are days I look back and I feel proud.

There are days I look back and see all the laughter and love of family.

There are days I look back and I cannot hold back the tears.

Then there are days I realize the cycle of self destructive behavior will never end…

Unless I stop it…unless I make things right I will never be at peace…

When someone rips away your innocence before you’ve barely had a glimpse of the beauty in the world you lose little pieces of yourself. You start to see something so distorted and ugly when you look in the mirror…your eyes look away from the reflection of what he made you believe about yourself…you continually attract more pain…more abuse…the walls get taller and the beautiful child filled with love and laughter disappears behind the walls…longing to be free…you’ll carry the child inside of you…deep down inside…locked away…until the past and the present collide…crash together, all of your pain and sorrow will bleed all over your present…it will get dark…it will get ugly…and you will have a choice to make…take back your life…or slowly die inside…one wasted beautiful breath at a time…until you fade into nothing…your head tells you this is where you will always end up…this messy place that will only bring you more pain…your heart…the little girls heart will beg you to stop and fight for yourself! She will silently scream out…surrender…make peace…let her be free so that you can be free…so you can be whole…so you can give and receive love as real and powerful as it’s meant to be…where you can shed the past pain and leave it there where it belongs.

I’ve faced some brutal truths of late…naming my abuser…lies I’ve told…truths I didn’t want to face… who can go on like that? I cannot…holding it all inside…I’m too tired to move forward when I am constantly dragging the past into my future…so I’m exploring these brutal truths…

For years I used sex with men to feel loved…thought that’s what love was…not because I am a whore…for that label is not meant for me…nor any woman that is only trying to survive…no…I didn’t choose this way of thinking…this way of thinking was instilled in me…from men…pedophiles… rapists…predators. This lack of love for ones self is taught while you are too young to fight back…even as you grow up you’ll allow this cycle to continue…it is so embedded in you. Love isn’t sex or attention…it isn’t being with men that suck the joy out of you…the light that is yours…and you let him because you believe that’s all you deserve…you live in it day after day…as the disdain for what you’ve become grows larger with each humiliating and painful moment. You cry out as your life spirals out of control…with a voice that never passes your lips…it just fills your head and your heart with more self loathing! Trying to fill the emptiness…longing for something real and meaningful…yet making it nearly impossible for that to ever happen…as has always been your pattern…if you don’t love yourself…you can bet you are not going to attract love!

Then…just as I begin to realize I’m going down the very path I was fighting to come back from… this brave man kept getting in my way…blocking my view of self hate…pushing me in another direction…I got frustrated…so insecure in my self worth…so settled into my ugly I just could not see why he’d want this broken woman/child…I fought him…I fought him hard to keep the distance between us…because he saw me…everything I refused to see in myself…he saw a beautiful woman from the outside in..locked behind walls…not yet knowing she carried so much shame…since childhood…still he knew she needed him to see her…still I fought!

Given the opportunity to know love as it should be I kept choosing pain. Sex with other men rather than love…what in the ever loving fuck makes a woman choose anything over true love? I lied…again and again to cover up my shame…even though my lies were about things that happened before him and I were together…then after we were…I kept the lies in place…I hurt him…deeply…I wanted him to walk away from me…all the while wanting him to stay and show me what real love felt like…so many lies to hide the shame…so many lies that hurt…and in return he hurt me…slaying me with words…words I have spoken to myself for years…a thousand times more painful when they pass through the lips of your lover and best friend…when someone is strong enough to throw up a mirror…right in your idiotic self destructive face you are forced to acknowledge your brutal truth! You lie to someone that loves you then you had better be ready to see the pain and suffering you’ve caused! You had better stop thinking you own the market on pain! You will see first hand what happens when you are the one inflicting the pain…shit gets real and it gets ugly…when you are the source of that agony you’ll find yourself hating yourself all over again…seeing how deeply you can wound someone that only wants to love you…make you his queen…hold you until the hurt subsides. It’s eye opening when you stop feeling your own sorrow long enough to see how deeply you’ve wounded someone you love…eyes wide open lady!! Your past and your choices have the power to wound!

It is time to reflect, relearn, release…let go…embrace real love…to feel it…and know that you deserve to be loved and love with your heart…your soul…all of you…

So much more to share…so many thoughts running through my head…settling in my heart…for now I’ll have to say…to be continued…I will be spending more and more time with you here…because as much as I long to heal myself…I ever so badly wish to help you heal yourself as we take this journey together…we all have wings…we are all meant to fly…we must find a way to heal…so we can spread our wings…feel the air beneath them…the freedom of love and light without the past continually pulling us back where we no longer belong…they took our bodies…the rest is ours…

From my heart to yours…may my truth help you find yours…

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Ruined…

Today I destroyed one of the most beautiful gifts God has ever graced me with…because I trusted my history more than I trusted love…I crashed…I’m crawling…I don’t understand how a woman could choose to live with the ghosts rather than surrender to love on the most intimate level…to feel it and have it in her desperate wanting hands…and lie it away…to give up what will never come again…if we all deserve this…why can’t I let it in…

When You Are Ready…

After years of seeking inner peace…sleeping fitfully or not at all…I woke up the other day in a panic.  I could barely hold myself together long enough to leave the room before my fear raised questions I couldn’t face at that moment.  My heart was racing and all I could think about was running and hiding.

At first I thought to myself…wow…this was one horrible nightmare you just had…but as I covered my face and cried uncontrollably on the edge of my bathtub I realized this was real…flashbacks…flashbacks to the beginning of what would make me believe I was unworthy of love…the beginning of believing this is what life is meant to be…all that I would ever deserve.

As I slept wrapped in the arms of the only man that has ever made me feel safe and protected…the one and only man that makes me believe I am worthy of real love…the memories came crashing in…I was so angry!  It felt so unfair!  Why are all of these repressed memories resurfacing now?!  Here I was feeling so incredibly loved…loving with all that I have to give…happy…I mean truly happy at long last…why now?  Is it because I knew I was safe?

The memories…

Lashes resting gently on little girl cheeks like butterfly wings…peaceful…dreaming little girl dreams…then she hears him enter…and she inhales and holds her breath…she screams a million silent screams…praying he’ll show mercy…knowing her prayers will go unanswered…just as they always have…she begins to cry out for her mama only to have his hand silence her…her voice unheard yet again…a voice that will learn to silence itself as she grows older…because silence is what this man taught her is expected of her.  The weight of him crushes her…there is no escape from the physical pain that is her reality at this moment…so she goes inside herself…she escapes…she wraps herself in gossamer…disappearing inside herself…more and more each time…

He is the monster of her nightmares…the slayer of her innocence…as the abuse continues the little girl builds walls she can hide within…she locks herself inside where she can escape the pain…as time goes by less of her returns from the hiding place…all that is good and pure and aching for love stays behind the walls…so that she can protect the little girl…so the pain cannot touch her…so that her pain will not touch those she holds dear to her as she grows up…but it’s a lie she’s told herself…the walls must come down…the little girl must forgive…so that she can be restored…so that love of herself and love from another can help her become whole again…

From my heart to yours…may my truth help you find yours…

To be continued…fragile

I’m Tired…I Can’t Always Be The Strong One

I’m tired…I’m weary…exhausted…from being strong, from being everything to everyone…from pretending I have it all together…when in reality my life can be messy! Chaotic! And at times spinning out of control!

I never planned to be this woman. But I’ve made choices, I never wanted to let anyone down, worked late into the nights to please and appease…until I was lost and alone…wondering and wishing…hoping and dreaming that someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I’ve been there for them. I am strong. I am independent. I grew alone until I fell in love with myself.

Ironically when you look at me you see me as this strong and able woman. Staying the course, steady…yet inside I am shaking…I am vulnerable…I am woman.

I am trying. Despite it all I wake up each morning and tell myself everything is going to be ok. And begin anew. Even though some mornings I can barely see thru the tears that fill my eyes…my arms ache from the weight of carrying it all…still…I try. It seems crazy to me that the world believes I can be this strong. That I can stand alone endlessly and hold it all together…alone. Because I am a strong, independent woman…

Am I the only strong woman that longs for help, a strong arm to reach for when I begin to feel weak…someone to simply fall against at the end of a long day…someone that knows my power and knows when I need his so I can take a deep breathe and regather my strength ..someone I can rely on to allow me to be me…my beautiful self…and that will be enough…?

Do I continue to attempt to prove to the world I don’t need a man or a warrior…all the while knowing I’m trying to convince myself…or do I bravely admit there’s no shame in needing someone…giving voice to the fact I can’t do this life thing all on my own…at least not forever…because I’m beginning to believe that two strong hearts don’t need to beat as one…but together they can build an extraordinary life.

I’m tired. I long to be taken care of. No! Not financially…this is not for me…but a strong arm to hold me. I am strong. I am soft…I want to be loved…to love…at long last…to allow myself to be loved as I deserve. To receive as I have given…I give up. Not because I’m a failure but because I have learned. Certainly I can do or be anything I need to be in a moment…that doesn’t mean I have to. I can’t do it all. I can’t smile and bear it all on my own.

I read somewhere that we should fake it till we make it. I wish to disagree. I want to be real with what I need and want. I’m willing to be vulnerable for it.

Less thinking…more feeling…giving into passion…falling into arms that feel like forever. a safe harbor…breathing into love. To be okay with needing someone…and staying true to who we are as a strong woman. In fact I’m stronger than I’ve ever been…and yet…I feel the need for someone more now than ever. Someone that will kiss me hard and hug me like nothing else matters. Someone that will remind me it’s okay to be strong…and it’s okay if I can’t be all of the time.

It’s time to let the one beside me be everything he wants to be…not at the expense of my strength and independence…but because he knows I am all of this and understands even the strongest woman needs a strong man to fall into. A man to trust and to believe. He will allow her to rest and not fear her comeback. Instead he will encourage and embrace it…fall more deeply in love because of her strength …he will be all that she has longed for…at long last. ❤️

Dear Woman…I Know Some Things Now…

I am not sure where you are on your journey or why you’ve become a part of mine. What I do know is every human has a story to tell…a past filled with beauty, pain, hopes, suffering and feelings only they can feel. What I do know is you are you. Your past everything along with your heart and soul created the today you. What I do know is our past won’t stay buried forever. In fact as you begin to get quiet with yourself and shut out the noise of all those who are attempting to control your thoughts and emotions (they too are humans learning) you will start to see snapshots of your lifetime that lead you to your here and now.

When you look at the moments from a place of hope and forgiveness…perhaps you will see as I am that while you cannot blame your choices on your past…you clearly see a pattern…reasons. You cannot take a single choice back. You can take ownership of it and ownership of where you’ll travel now. You need to make peace with it all. Don’t hold on to any of it! I’m being real here! Let it fucking go! This is where the road gets rough. They aren’t paved. There are ruts and drop offs. The dust you stir up will make your eyes gritty and the road you ache to travel difficult to see…drive blind if you have to!!! Pull over and take a breath…but don’t stop. Please…please don’t stop…

Frufru words and one liner quotes won’t make you feel stronger? What!? Whoever told you that is a liar. Gentle words and quotes that speak to you on a deeper level…they will have power to help you heal. Don’t stop believing in your power. As I’ve begun to open myself up to new experiences and relationships…because I thought I was ready…because I thought I was on a higher vibration…I swiftly felt the proverbial slap in the face to my reality! There’s no such thing as faking it until you make it with this stuff! Make it!!! Look at yourself and start to know what you deserve, feels right, makes you smile and laugh, makes you dream and hope, makes you feel YOU! Know that you have a purpose. When your own bullshit takes a backseat to your open heart…you will attract the good stuff. The real and meaningful stuff. Humans will come into your life that are so so amazing and see how incredibly beautiful you are! All of you and your broken pieces will be like a glorious light in their life!

It is time to allow yourself to be completely comfortable in you. It is time to shine your light so brightly that the darkest humans cannot touch your fragile soul and take away the pieces of you that matter most. They are longing and seeking and in pain…YOU cannot heal them all…not at the expense of you…I am sorry if this makes you feel anything other than strong. This is your strength. You mustn’t feel guilty or selfish. If someone is taking away your power to stroke theirs…and cannot see the damage they are causing…and you allow it…your light will quickly be extinguished…and you will again be living your life for someone else’s happiness…hug the hurt…then run! You have to love yourself enough to know when your about to get sucked into a place you may not survive…this is hard! These people will slay you with their words…people in pain…they can be cruel as fuck. And they will forget every single good thing you brought to their lives…because they see you walking away and losing light hurts. Do NOT stop walking! Again…you cannot heal anyone if helping them harms you. Go now and get stronger. Remember them…close the door…lock it…don’t throw away the key…just hang it up and know that until you are ready that door needs to stay locked! You may never open it again…but you may…because your healing is happening and when your there perhaps you’ll be able to again shine a light…

So gather up your jewels and put them back where they belong.

Forever with you on your travels,

Mary

Letting Go Of The Heavy

My story is filled with broken pieces, some pretty terrible choices and a whole lot of ugly truths. Many of the chapters are either still unwritten or don’t have a tittle. It’s okay though…I’m actually making a comeback! I am starting to learn to live as if my life matters as much as the lives of those I love…I’m starting to take action instead of wishing and waiting…I am beginning to forgive the past, not stress about the future…to live in THIS moment…in THIS day…the beautiful glorious days right here in the right now! Higher frequency!!

I am grateful…oh so very grateful…for my family, friends, animals, a home, my job, my therapist…for so very much…I thank the universe for showing me love.

So while some of my most beautiful chapters have yet to be written… today…this moment…this is where I belong. I hope that your journey is leading you home. We’re all holding hands and traveling together…and yet we all have to mind our own peace and happiness in order to spread that love.

Sending you love and courage and a freaking truckload of happy!!

Mary

Reinventing Beautiful

So let’s talk about dieting! Errr…no wait! Screw that! Let’s talk about life!! Real life and how you can start living that and stop always being on a diet! I’m guilty! Tried em all! Well most. Gained and lost so many times! Learned a lot about healthy eating. Not a damn thing about healthy living.

Until recently. It’s actually been a life long journey getting to today. Someday we can dig deeper but right now I just wanted to share a little tiny piece of my new found wisdom because…well just because I think it’s important! Too important not to speak it now and fill in the blanks as we travel together!

So here’s what’s happening…I am starting to fall in love…with myself!! I am healing and I am growing. I am discovering that loving yourself more isn’t selfish! In fact you cannot possibly love another human in the most healthiest of ways if you can’t at first embrace YOU! My God it’s so brilliant!!! I’m not completely there…the journey is incredibly long and the roads aren’t all paved but as I’ve started to care for myself…as I begin to direct that enormous love I’ve always put out to whoever was in my path that needed it the most…back to self…I’m starting to see the most powerful impact it’s having on me. Not just mentally either! Physically I feel more whole and strong…and lighter! What? I’m not on a single stinking diet! I just get up every morning with the intention to live each moment with grace and love for the world and for myself! Today I stepped on the scale and realized I’ve lost 19 pounds! Without dieting! Crazy right? Or is it?

Imagine yourself waking up living and feeling in each moment. It’s a different way of being in your own life! Do I have hard days, sadness and fear? Of course I do! But I don’t stay stuck in it! I am free to make choices that are good for me! And we’re not just talking food here! The picture is bigger!

What do you think? Worth trying? At the very least you’ll begin to see how truly extraordinary you are! And that my friends is Your higher powers gift to you! I have stopped trying to fit in and started learning to belong. Get your self love ❤️

WTF

As I get older the number of times I utter the words “WTF” (unabbreviated of course) has increased by an incredibly large percentage! Humans…sometimes you win…sometimes you run!!

New Beginnings…

Inspired by a conversation I had with some of my co-workers (whom I adore) I’m here again…it’s been a very long time!  I was going to delete all of my old posts and start fresh but…well…that’s crazy right?  Because those posts led me to today…so today can be a new beginning without erasing the past.  Seems about right to me!

For now it’s late…and I’m so very tired after a long day spent with family celebrating Mia’s 6th birthday…it was wonderful…just like family time always is.  So if you are stopping by thank you…I’m sorry I haven’t come up with something witty or inspirational for my very first post of 2018…but I promise when I return you’ll want to keep coming back…the journey is priceless!

Mary