If You Loved Her Don’t Destroy Her

Yes! A million times yes! Someone else’s words…my heart connected…

I know you loved her.

If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have wanted to be with her. But since you’re only a human being with variable emotions, you might have been inclined to love her in all the wrong ways.

A healthy, happy relationship can transform into a destructive one if you treat her less than how she deserves to be treated.

Nonetheless, I hope you tried to love her right. I hope you cast every ray of awareness upon your love for her. I hope you know that awareness is what keeps a relationship strong.

I want you to remember how she looked when you first laid eyes on her. She was everything you longed for. Be it her beauty, her wild nature, her sense of humor or her independence, there was something about her you hadn’t found in anyone else.

And what floored you the most was her completeness.

If you loved her, you’d have wanted to keep her this way. Keep her beautiful, keep her wild, keep her complete.

While she’s the master of her own fate, I wish you understood that you played a major role in her life. How you treated her determined how she viewed herself—you could have made her shine but you made her feel lost. She was a statue in your hands and she only hoped to be held with vigilance.

If you loved her, don’t destroy her.

Know that she was destroyed before and another destruction wasn’t what she was aiming for. If she was with you, know that she had stepped over her fear and insecurities to be with you. She had stepped over her past and decided to give love another chance. She had entrusted you with the health of this relationship—and with her heart.

You let her down.

You destroy her the moment you think you know her. She’s not a book you will eventually finish. She was something yet to be discovered—so you should have lived every day as if you were meeting her for the first time.

Nothing destroyed her more than your emotional absence.

Know that you wrecked her when she felt you needed her rather than wanted her. You destroyed every inch of her when you only loved her when loneliness creeped up on you. Because she sought love in all moments, not just when your fears and insecurities strike.

I know that your own past sufferings may have destroyed you. But you can’t love her just so she can carry your emotional baggage with you. You can’t love her if you only want her to fix you. Know that she would have with time, without you even knowing.

Her love and existence could have healed every part of you. But you are with her solely to fill the emptiness inside you, she will know—and it will destroy her.

And remember, she didn’t want to be fixed either. Maybe she opened up to you and told you about her painful past. Perhaps you know the exact number of pieces she was turned into. But she didn’t tell you so you would fix her—she only told you so you could know what she endured and how it made her who she is today.

She wanted you to acknowledge that your actions toward her—actions motivated by love, understanding and patience—are what mattered.

Don’t treat her like a broken woman. She is complete with all her pieces, even though they may still be scattered everywhere. You could have Embraced them with her—instead you add to them. She went through destructive relationships in the past. She went through the “worst” so she could appreciate the “better”.

If you loved her, you should have loved her with all her flaws and insecurities. She is as imperfect as you are and she only hoped to share that imperfection. She wants to undress her soul and be utterly herself.

She wants to be the same way with the world that she is in the mirror—crazy, wild and free. You were not ready to accept her as she is, you destroy her.

If you loved her, you should have built her up because she would have been doing the same for you. Know that whatever effort you put in, she was putting in.

If you treated her right, she’d have loved more.

If you loved her well, she’d never forget.

If you loved her, let her go…don’t destroy her…let her go…please just let her go…

Sometimes You Must Lean Into Grace

I am struggling tonight! That just is my journey right now…shaky ground…deep waters…so as I fill my thoughts with the world I find so beautiful…the souls I dreamt to touch…the system I long to trust…the woman that I am…the family and friends that I love…the struggle…I need some space from it…I am giving it over to a higher power tonight or it’ll torment my dreams…it will shatter me into a million pieces and I’ll never be able to find it’s purpose…

I hope that you’re reading…if you are feeling alone sweet women struggling in our world…My heart is with you…we will get through…we must…❤️

Clarification…

Going backwards a little today…because sometimes you have to re-read the pages from your life…to be sure you are moving forward.  As I posted my story back in December I automatically assumed everyone reading it would know that the pedophile/molester from my toddler years was the biological father…NOT my dad…but after having a conversation with my mom and chipping away at some of the pain she reminded me that not everyone knows the whole story…

So…just to make things crystal clear…the monster from my youth was bio father…the man that I call dad…he’s the good guy!

I hope you all continue to seek inner peace…because it comes from within…not men…

With love,

Mary

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When You Are Ready…

After years of seeking inner peace…sleeping fitfully or not at all…I woke up the other day in a panic.  I could barely hold myself together long enough to leave the room before my fear raised questions I couldn’t face at that moment.  My heart was racing and all I could think about was running and hiding.

At first I thought to myself…wow…this was one horrible nightmare you just had…but as I covered my face and cried uncontrollably on the edge of my bathtub I realized this was real…flashbacks…flashbacks to the beginning of what would make me believe I was unworthy of love…the beginning of believing this is what life is meant to be…all that I would ever deserve.

…the memories came crashing in…I was so angry!  It felt so unfair!  Why are all of these repressed memories resurfacing now?!

The memories…

Lashes resting gently on little girl cheeks like butterfly wings…peaceful…dreaming little girl dreams…then she hears him enter…and she inhales and holds her breath…she screams a million silent screams…praying he’ll show mercy…knowing her prayers will go unanswered…just as they always have…she begins to cry out for her mama only to have his hand silence her…her voice unheard yet again…a voice that will learn to silence itself as she grows older…because silence is what this man taught her is expected of her.  The weight of him crushes her…there is no escape from the physical pain that is her reality at this moment…so she goes inside herself…she escapes…she wraps herself in gossamer…disappearing inside herself…more and more each time…

He is the monster of her nightmares…the slayer of her innocence…as the abuse continues the little girl builds walls she can hide within…she locks herself inside where she can escape the pain…as time goes by less of her returns from the hiding place…all that is good and pure and aching for love stays behind the walls…so that she can protect the little girl…so the pain cannot touch her…so that her pain will not touch those she holds dear to her as she grows up…but it’s a lie she’s told herself…the walls must come down…the little girl must forgive…so that she can be restored…so that love of herself and love from another can help her become whole again…

From my heart to yours…may my truth help you find yours…

To be continued…fragile

I’m Tired…I Can’t Always Be The Strong One

I’m tired…I’m weary…exhausted…from being strong, from being everything to everyone…from pretending I have it all together…when in reality my life can be messy! Chaotic! And at times spinning out of control!

I never planned to be this woman. But I’ve made choices, I never wanted to let anyone down, worked late into the nights to please and appease…until I was lost and alone…wondering and wishing…hoping and dreaming that someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I’ve been there for them. I am strong. I am independent. I grew alone until I fell in love with myself.

Ironically when you look at me you see me as this strong and able woman. Staying the course, steady…yet inside I am shaking…I am vulnerable…I am woman.

I am trying. Despite it all I wake up each morning and tell myself everything is going to be ok. And begin anew. Even though some mornings I can barely see thru the tears that fill my eyes…my arms ache from the weight of carrying it all…still…I try. It seems crazy to me that the world believes I can be this strong. That I can stand alone endlessly and hold it all together…alone. Because I am a strong, independent woman…

Am I the only strong woman that longs for help, a strong arm to reach for when I begin to feel weak…someone to simply fall against at the end of a long day…someone that knows my power and knows when I need his so I can take a deep breathe and regather my strength ..someone I can rely on to allow me to be me…my beautiful self…and that will be enough…?

Do I continue to attempt to prove to the world I don’t need a man or a warrior…all the while knowing I’m trying to convince myself…or do I bravely admit there’s no shame in needing someone…giving voice to the fact I can’t do this life thing all on my own…at least not forever…because I’m beginning to believe that two strong hearts don’t need to beat as one…but together they can build an extraordinary life.

I’m tired. I long to be taken care of. No! Not financially…this is not for me…but a strong arm to hold me. I am strong. I am soft…I want to be loved…to love…at long last…to allow myself to be loved as I deserve. To receive as I have given…I give up. Not because I’m a failure but because I have learned. Certainly I can do or be anything I need to be in a moment…that doesn’t mean I have to. I can’t do it all. I can’t smile and bear it all on my own.

I read somewhere that we should fake it till we make it. I wish to disagree. I want to be real with what I need and want. I’m willing to be vulnerable for it.

Less thinking…more feeling…giving into passion…falling into arms that feel like forever. a safe harbor…breathing into love. To be okay with needing someone…and staying true to who we are as a strong woman. In fact I’m stronger than I’ve ever been…and yet…I feel the need for someone more now than ever. Someone that will kiss me hard and hug me like nothing else matters. Someone that will remind me it’s okay to be strong…and it’s okay if I can’t be all of the time.

Dear Woman…I Know Some Things Now…

I am not sure where you are on your journey or why you’ve become a part of mine. What I do know is every human has a story to tell…a past filled with beauty, pain, hopes, suffering and feelings only they can feel. What I do know is you are you. Your past everything along with your heart and soul created the today you. What I do know is our past won’t stay buried forever. In fact as you begin to get quiet with yourself and shut out the noise of all those who are attempting to control your thoughts and emotions (they too are humans learning) you will start to see snapshots of your lifetime that lead you to your here and now.

When you look at the moments from a place of hope and forgiveness…perhaps you will see as I am that while you cannot blame your choices on your past…you clearly see a pattern…reasons. You cannot take a single choice back. You can take ownership of it and ownership of where you’ll travel now. You need to make peace with it all. Don’t hold on to any of it! I’m being real here! Let it fucking go! This is where the road gets rough. They aren’t paved. There are ruts and drop offs. The dust you stir up will make your eyes gritty and the road you ache to travel difficult to see…drive blind if you have to!!! Pull over and take a breath…but don’t stop. Please…please don’t stop…

Frufru words and one liner quotes won’t make you feel stronger? What!? Whoever told you that is a liar. Gentle words and quotes that speak to you on a deeper level…they will have power to help you heal. Don’t stop believing in your power. As I’ve begun to open myself up to new experiences and relationships…because I thought I was ready…because I thought I was on a higher vibration…I swiftly felt the proverbial slap in the face to my reality! There’s no such thing as faking it until you make it with this stuff! Make it!!! Look at yourself and start to know what you deserve, feels right, makes you smile and laugh, makes you dream and hope, makes you feel YOU! Know that you have a purpose. When your own bullshit takes a backseat to your open heart…you will attract the good stuff. The real and meaningful stuff. Humans will come into your life that are so so amazing and see how incredibly beautiful you are! All of you and your broken pieces will be like a glorious light in their life!

It is time to allow yourself to be completely comfortable in you. It is time to shine your light so brightly that the darkest humans cannot touch your fragile soul and take away the pieces of you that matter most. They are longing and seeking and in pain…YOU cannot heal them all…not at the expense of you…I am sorry if this makes you feel anything other than strong. This is your strength. You mustn’t feel guilty or selfish. If someone is taking away your power to stroke theirs…and cannot see the damage they are causing…and you allow it…your light will quickly be extinguished…and you will again be living your life for someone else’s happiness…hug the hurt…then run! You have to love yourself enough to know when your about to get sucked into a place you may not survive…this is hard! These people will slay you with their words…people in pain…they can be cruel as fuck. And they will forget every single good thing you brought to their lives…because they see you walking away and losing light hurts. Do NOT stop walking! Again…you cannot heal anyone if helping them harms you. Go now and get stronger. Remember them…close the door…lock it…don’t throw away the key…just hang it up and know that until you are ready that door needs to stay locked! You may never open it again…but you may…because your healing is happening and when your there perhaps you’ll be able to again shine a light…

So gather up your jewels and put them back where they belong.

Forever with you on your travels,

Mary

Letting Go Of The Heavy

My story is filled with broken pieces, some pretty terrible choices and a whole lot of ugly truths. Many of the chapters are either still unwritten or don’t have a tittle. It’s okay though…I’m actually making a comeback! I am starting to learn to live as if my life matters as much as the lives of those I love…I’m starting to take action instead of wishing and waiting…I am beginning to forgive the past, not stress about the future…to live in THIS moment…in THIS day…the beautiful glorious days right here in the right now! Higher frequency!!

I am grateful…oh so very grateful…for my family, friends, animals, a home, my job, my therapist…for so very much…I thank the universe for showing me love.

So while some of my most beautiful chapters have yet to be written… today…this moment…this is where I belong. I hope that your journey is leading you home. We’re all holding hands and traveling together…and yet we all have to mind our own peace and happiness in order to spread that love.

Sending you love and courage and a freaking truckload of happy!!

Mary

Reinventing Beautiful

So let’s talk about dieting! Errr…no wait! Screw that! Let’s talk about life!! Real life and how you can start living that and stop always being on a diet! I’m guilty! Tried em all! Well most. Gained and lost so many times! Learned a lot about healthy eating. Not a damn thing about healthy living.

Until recently. It’s actually been a life long journey getting to today. Someday we can dig deeper but right now I just wanted to share a little tiny piece of my new found wisdom because…well just because I think it’s important! Too important not to speak it now and fill in the blanks as we travel together!

So here’s what’s happening…I am starting to fall in love…with myself!! I am healing and I am growing. I am discovering that loving yourself more isn’t selfish! In fact you cannot possibly love another human in the most healthiest of ways if you can’t at first embrace YOU! My God it’s so brilliant!!! I’m not completely there…the journey is incredibly long and the roads aren’t all paved but as I’ve started to care for myself…as I begin to direct that enormous love I’ve always put out to whoever was in my path that needed it the most…back to self…I’m starting to see the most powerful impact it’s having on me. Not just mentally either! Physically I feel more whole and strong…and lighter! What? I’m not on a single stinking diet! I just get up every morning with the intention to live each moment with grace and love for the world and for myself! Today I stepped on the scale and realized I’ve lost 19 pounds! Without dieting! Crazy right? Or is it?

Imagine yourself waking up living and feeling in each moment. It’s a different way of being in your own life! Do I have hard days, sadness and fear? Of course I do! But I don’t stay stuck in it! I am free to make choices that are good for me! And we’re not just talking food here! The picture is bigger!

What do you think? Worth trying? At the very least you’ll begin to see how truly extraordinary you are! And that my friends is Your higher powers gift to you! I have stopped trying to fit in and started learning to belong. Get your self love ❤️