Who The Hell Am I?

At 48 years old I feel like I should know what I want for the rest of my life. I should know my favorite music…color…movie…I should have a plan! I should be able to dream a dream of my future self that resonates with who I am…But 48 years of being and doing what best suits the people you surround yourself with…well…who does that make you? People have called me selfish a few times in my life when I broke free from this cycle…I truly wanted to wash their mouths out with soap for forgetting the years of giving I gave them…but of course I didn’t…instead I allowed them to brow beat and belittle me and the person I am trying to become…but through it all…all I’ve ever wanted was to live…to have a dream to follow…to know myself and believe in my own self worth enough to figure out what my purpose is and dream a dream that’s mine…
 
I can honestly say I don’t have a clue! I know that I am good and kind and give love with an open heart. But who am I? What do I stand for? I want to have a dream to work towards…but I’ve no idea what I want! I know I want to be my own boss someday…but of what? It’s crazy to realize you have passion that know’s no limits…and yet have no idea what to pour it in to…feeling a little like a package of energy and light all wrapped up tight…ready to burst out and LIVE…but unable to because I can’t settle on a destination for my life…❤
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Journaling…For Food Junkies

Food junkie?  Nah…let’s be honest with ourselves today girl!  You eat so you don’t have to deal!  Hunger is not what drives you to over eat and you know it!  So the experts tell you to journal everything you eat for 14 days straight…you start out doing fab…until day 3…when you “forget” your journal at home…and then when you go back to it 4 days later to fill in the days you missed you “forget” all of the bad things you stuffed into your pie hole and wonder how come you can’t lose weight when your eating like a bird…?  Pshhha!  Foolish girl telling yourself lies…you self-sabotaging idiot!  Get a grip on your self and start small…start by just being honest with yourself about what you are eating…then start crossing some crap off your daily intake!

That’s my new way of thinking!  But rather than have a journal to write down each thing I eat I’ve stocked up on brightly colored post it notes!  For everything that goes in…there is a post it note for that!  And that post it will list the food I ate and what I was feeling when I ate it…My bedroom wall will be transformed into my “Food Truth Wall!”  I don’t think I’m trying to shame myself…I think I NEED to learn to see the reality of what’s happening…let the post it note journey begin😉

PS…I’ll keep you posted!  BAH!!I eat

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It is for all of us to change the world

change the worldI’m about to post some feelings that may not be in align with others beliefs…however I’m feeling the need to share…so I shall…if my post offends you or angers you I apologize in advance as my intention is not to stir the pot…but simply to share my deepest sympathies for the hurting…

*I am raising a son with special needs-He is the last of my children to leave the nest in the next few years…He sees the world thru the eyes of others and opinions of others as forming his own opinions based on facts is difficult for him-he believes all that he is told and all that he hears and sees in the media and the world around him

*As his mother I am raising my son to respect authority…to respect the law…to R-E-S-P-E-C-T……period! I refuse to raise my child to hate or judge others…He knows that there are laws and that policemen are here to protect us…and this job can be extremely dangerous…just as soldiers are sent out to protect us…all of these men and women risk their lives for us…our families…their families…

*My son needs to know that while we ALL make mistakes & bad choices nobody here on this earth has the right to kill another human being based on public opinion…there is no “reason” that I can share with him where there is a need to take an innocent person’s life to prove a point-He needs to know that human rights belong to ALL humans regardless of race or social status-that no matter the color of your skin or the amount of money in your bank account there are bad people and there are good people that come in all of these shades and economic places…and each and every one of us can only assume how we’d respond to a life or death situation

*I cannot assume to know the whole story in any of the recent events that have caused so much pain, loss and heartache in our country these days-I was not present as the events unfolded

*However I do know that there are far too many innocent lives being taken…I do not care what anyone else considers to be politically correct in regards to how to respond to all of this pain surrounding us…I ache for the loss that’s been suffered…for all…I ache for the fallen and the broken that are left behind…I long to embrace them in love…in empathy and kindness…to show them that their pain is our pain…that we will all try to change what is happening right now…so that our future has less hate…

*I will not stay silent in the face of hate…No matter the excuses being used to kill another human on this earth…there is no excuse…innocent lives are being lost…that’s fact…I try so hard to be PC…to not make waves or risk being torn down and trashed upon by people with different opinions…but the voice of those that cringe from the hate needs to be heard…

*In a world full of hate we all have a responsibility to each other…to share love and be love…to always…always…remember…

*Police officers protect us-we expect this of them…they face difficult choices every single day on the job-that job being to protect us…are there bad officers? I’m certain there are…but are they the majority? I certainly don’t believe that. Are there people of all races that are bad? Of course there are…are they the majority? Of course not…

*Today I sat for a moment in silence and said a prayer for all…I begged forgiveness for the hate that is so prevalent and the strength to continue to believe in the goodness still left in the world.

*I have never in my life given a second thought to another person’s race, religion, social status or partner choices…We are all in this together…we all want to have the freedom to be who we are and to feel safe in our world. We would not have our freedom if not for the sacrifice of so very many…and by God we wouldn’t have police officers out there protecting us every day if there weren’t brave men and women willing to do that for the greater good of us all. And until I breath my very last breath here on this earth…Which I believe is still beautiful and filled with great people…I will never stop teaching and showing my child that all human life is precious

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We All Have a Story

Everyone has a story…not all of our stories are told. Outwardly people may appear strong and confident…but their sorrow and pain will betray them. Broken and vulnerable on the inside they will bleed pain — through their eyes, harsh words, or lifestyle’s you may not agree with.  They will carelessly stain those around them with their suffering…remember

…they are seeking love…and yet fear it’s vulnerability.  They want to be wrapped in arms that lift them up…yet never trust it could be true…remember to love them anyway.

everyone

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Hold Space for this Love

Practice the kind of love that inspires more love…

Before you read any further…these are my rambling thoughts……driven by emotions I’ve been completely drowning in at times…not for just my own but for the world of children out there living with the broken pieces we’ve left them with…I read it on Facebook…it’s heartbreaking to me…I see it in the world around me…and I’m reminded to think about the bigger picture…the guilt is mine also…I was given the gift of being a step parent once…I made mistakes…ones I’m not proud of…Yet I know in my heart I loved with all that I am…there is an emptiness where she once held court in my heart…and I will forever be grateful for the love we shared and the memories I will always hold dear…

We all have a part to fulfill…we have to be stronger than our insecurities…our children NEED us…ALL of us…these are the words of a mother…no judgment or pointing fingers…simply words…and sometimes words need to pour out and be free…to make people think…to remind us all of the bigger picture…these are my words of love and hope…they may be incredibly way off base…but often times I’m the one to hold back my feelings…I visit Facebook…read of the turmoil here and keep silent…today seemed like a good day to let it out.

When someone is given the opportunity to be in a child’s life…a child that is not their own but their significant others from a previous relationship…is it really so hard to love that child…make them feel safe…wanted…a part of the family unit…loved simply because they ARE…not for how well they behave or love in return…How they respect you…?

God has given you a gift not many are blessed with…show Him how grateful you are that He chose you to be in this child’s life…this child is NOT “The Ex”…this child is THE most important mini human in your lovers life…a living breathing FEELING human just like you and I…this child has been through tough times already…one of their parents is missing much of the time, or at least in the capacity this child has come to know and be secure in…you are not there to replace anyone…the estranged parent is still their mom or their dad and loves them as always…however…you have a void to fill…one you can endure for the sake of your significant other…or one you can embrace and fill with love and renewed security…think for a moment the incredible power of your love…and what it will mean to this child someday…maybe not today…because right now this child is in turmoil…their lives have changed and change is hard for children sometimes…

So if they buck you…defy you or sass back to you…remember…they have lost trust in much…and it’s YOUR job to build it…nourish it…and bring it back to life…what an amazing thing for you to be able to say you’ve done…your heart will be fuller because you gave love and gentleness and support to this child…so yes…today may not be the day this child turns to you and says…”thank you”…”Thank you for all that you’ve sacrificed to have us in your life…thank you for loving me at my least loveable moments…thank you for taking me under your wing and being there for me when my other parent couldn’t…thank you for loving me and my parent enough to hold me close and make my life whole…I love you too…maybe not today…but someday they will…and when your heart feels that child’s arms around it…hold on to that…because that’s the kind of love that changes the world.

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When Truth Sets You Free

Why are we so willing to carry the full burden rather than simply owning our own in a break-up? When we speak the words…”it’s not you it’s me”…it’s like saying to the other person involved you are perfect, you’ve done nothing to get us to this place…It’s all me…I am damaged……allowing the weight of all of it…their pain and your own to rest solely on one’s shoulders…that’s a lot for a single soul to haul thru life don’t you think?  Rarely is it the truth I’d imagine.  We don’t leave perfect.  Do we?  There is a REASON.  Or REASONS.  There’s not just one deciding to break hearts and promises and move on.  And it certainly doesn’t happen over-night.  Nope…we hold on for as long as we can…because nobody truly wants to hurt someone they love.  And yes there is still love…a love that is strong enough and honest enough not to hold the other in bondage of a relationship that is not healthy for one…so most certainly can’t be healthy for the other.  Then when you begin to realize the lie of your words…the weight of all that guilt you’ve been carrying…words left unspoken cause resentment and anger to swirl all around you…and yet you know…you chose this for yourself…so in order to be free of it you’ll need to learn to allow others to face their own truth…you can’t protect everyone…and you can’t take on all the blame.  You were born to love and be loved…not to coddle and allow others to avoid their own truth…and we all deserve to live in truth and be in a relationship that makes us feel we can do just that❤

 

being you.jpg

 

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Mary Uncensored

accept your past

I think that for the first time in my life I see how weighted down by sadness I am.  I am just plain sad.  Sadder than I’ve ever been.  It’s not sadness in your head where you think for a bit how something makes you feel sad…it’s not sadness in my heart…that little pang that makes you cry for how it’s feeling.  No…this is the kind of sadness that makes you stumble…makes you ache…every inch of your body just hurts from how sad you are…it’s exhausting really.  I’m not depressed…I don’t feel the need to be done with life and all of it’s sadness…far from it in fact.  I am just ready to deal with it all so that I can feel whole.  The only way I can get through it all is to go back to a place in my head where I didn’t feel censored…I need to be courageous…braver than I have ever been since I learned to censor myself in order to please others.  I need to be that girl that feared nothing and dreamt larger than life…I need to be me…uncensored…

Last night I rescheduled a coaching session with my Master Empowerment Coach…the ONE woman in my life that truly gets me!  I felt like I had to for financial reasons…but that’s an excuse to yet again not deal.  I did however shut the world out for a few hours…my house was empty…the perfect time to pamper myself and do whatever I want…instead I sat in silence…I just got still…and I tried to listen to all of the thoughts running through my head…making me so very tired…yet I couldn’t keep track, I couldn’t stop at just one thought and feel it out and deal with it before the next one came racing over and side tracking me.  It didn’t even make me cry like it usually does when a million thoughts are running through my head and a million more emotions are running through my body…instead I just stayed quiet…I didn’t fight it.  Instead I made a plan.  Because until I can get it all out…uncensored…I will never feel confident about who I am and sharing her with the people closest to me…or the world.  And that’s a tragedy in itself.  Because deep inside I know that my loved ones would love me…even the broken parts of me…they may be surprised by parts of me they have never witnessed…but they will love those pieces of me that I’ve kept packed away in my fancy red suitcase…protected from outside forces.  And the world needs women like me…the world needs love and empathy, strength and courage, mighty amazons that form a tribe to change the world.  Women who look around and see beauty even in the darkest corners.  Women that see hope even when others feel hopeless…I am part of that tribe…I AM!

So today I begin…today I’m letting my loved ones and the world know that I’m lifting the veil…I’m oh so tired of living my true self only inside myself…I can no longer be what everyone else wants or needs me to be…in those famous words…today is the first day of the best of my life❤

If you could turn back time would you?  I like to think that I’m a woman that has no regrets…however I do look back on my life and think about how I could have done some things differently.  How if I wouldn’t have been so lost inside my own sorrows I would have been able to see the bigger picture in regards to how my decisions would affect so many.  That’s not to say that I want to go back and change the course of my future.  I know that every single thing I’ve seen, felt, been through and chosen to do and react to…led me to today.  I realize that there is a power greater than myself putting the puzzle of my life together.  But I also realize that until I start making the most of what I’ve been given and embrace the life I have without fear of being myself…well it would seem I’ll never be whole.

I could go on and on about the story of my life that began when I was just a little girl…I could keep searching for that one moment or event that occurred when I was a child that locked me inside myself.  The experts say that I have all of the markings of someone that was molested as a child.  Hell…to be honest I’ve felt it in my gut for so long I can’t even deny it’s true.  I’m fairly intelligent…I know that I’ve all the classic behaviors associated with being a victim of molestation.  What I don’t know is who…or when…or how…my memories of my life before about age 16 are a smattering of flashes of memorable moments…more like shadows than reality.  Are they even my memories?  Or stories I’ve been told and pictures I’ve seen that create the memories?  I’ve no specific memory of the man…I remember a time in my life when I began to be afraid…I don’t know that I ever voiced my fear in it’s truest truth…yet I know with everything that I am it was this time that formed the paths I chose from that moment forward.  I know that he wanted to take something away from me and for the longest time I thought he had.  But I was wrong.  Yes…he broke something inside me…he stole my innocence…but he can’t keep it.  It’s still mine.  ALL MINE!  If I allow that feeling of innocence lost or stolen to live inside me another day…how will I ever live MY truth? If I continue to believe that in order to be loved and respected I must be the likeness of what others want or need me to be I will never honor myself or the hearts of others by sharing who I am.  Really I’m this amazing woman with so much to give just by being me!

So needless to say in my pursuit of happiness…I’ve spent most of my life chasing shadows.  And even more of it locked inside my self-imposed prison.  Still I don’t feel regret…but I sure feel sad about many things…and I think that sadness just keeps filling me up…and finally there’s no room left to hold it all in anymore.  It’s a process I know but in order to live my own truth I need to forgive those that I haven’t, including myself and make amends with those I’ve hurt along the way.  I believe one of the most difficult parts of this process is coming to the honest realization that as much as I have felt pain from the actions of others through-out the years…most difficult is facing that I too have caused pain and heartache…not intentionally but that alone does not lessen the pain.  I am afraid…terrified even…about putting these feelings out there to the people I feel I’ve hurt…not because I am afraid of how they’ll respond to me but how giving voice to these feelings I have will be like a flashing neon sign to myself…one that tells me I can’t blame others for my own actions.  I must own it and give it over, because the words unspoken feels safer when in fact it’s that very silence that continues to cause pain.

To be continued…

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