I am still learning, growing into the woman I am. Most of the time I simply say what needs to be said, knowing that living in my truth is how I want the people in my life to live in theirs. It’s this wide open knowing most days, but then, there are moments, even in the knowing, where I have to take a deep breath and recognize that this is all still a part of learning and growing, right? Because if I’m not continually learning and growing…then I am stuck again, and that is a temporary situation I need to address and find my way through. To listen more closely to what’s happening inside of the moments of questioning, in the moments of fear, and those moments when I feel unworthy. These are the moments that need my attention, immediately.
It is difficult sometimes, to face the woman from my past, it’s so damn easy to look at her and immediately shift into shame, even with the work I’ve done, the therapy I’ve embraced, the deep love I feel for her, and the trauma she is continually overcoming. But reflecting with her, it’s really all a part of our growth. Our introduction to the woman we truly are. I have been mindfully living my most authentic life to date. I show up in each new day, each hour, each minute or moment, Mary. That’s it. Take it or leave it, I’m here, and I know that spiritually, I am rare…we all are. That there’s not a single creature on this earth that is “me”. It’s important to our worlds capacity to love that I get quiet in the unworthy moments and figure out where that’s coming from. We all need to do our part to grow the love.
So…my musings bring me here…I cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn’t working valiantly to please others. In, like, everything I said or did. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Granted, my memories from childhood are fairly shadows and smoke (I have a theory about this, but that’s for another day), still…my life-long mission has been to be whatever was necessary to please others. This week I experienced this huge wave of unworthiness crash up against my knowing! I feel so much peace in my knowing, in my relationships. I feel so incredibly sure of what my head and heart are telling me about loving and being loved. To the depths of all that kept me locked inside myself, from so far back, where an innocent toddler once lived. I know! I know that I am worthy. That my purpose is to love, and that in the loving, I am meant to be deeply loved. And yet, so conditioned by the world, what we see on social media, what we hear in movies, what our people share with us, we wonder…is this what makes us worthy of love? I faltered…I wondered if I was enough, what a freaking asshole I can be to myself!
Here’s the thing…if it doesn’t feel right for who you are, it’s not right for you. Period. If you imagine that you must reshape yourself to fulfill someone’s fantasy, you are likely not their fantasy, and they may very likely already consider you their fantasy! But…pay attention here…if what you feel in your moments of knowing with this person is seen, so known that your true authentic self has no need to retreat, deeply desired just as you are, now, and you desire this person for all of the same reasons…if you share a space with this other human where you can both simply be all of who you both are, with no fear, your small moments, they become big, beautiful, glorious moments. Is this not what authentic love is meant to be? Is this not what the Universe tells us we are meant for? Isn’t it supposed to be this simple? Like, do we really have to “be” what the world expects us to be? Tells us what normal looks like? If so, perhaps I have no desire to be normal. In fact, normal can kiss my sometimes asshole ass! If being so myself, that everyone that comes into my world can be their true selves, knowing they are loved without expectation or judgement…this is how I choose to live. Crazy? Maybe…but I’ll choose loving over normal every time.
I’m not a relationship expert. I am not “certified” to give advice, I’m simply living and learning as I go. But in all of my life experiences, I’ve found this one constant that has always kept my heart open, even when I thought it had seen enough, just wanted to be done with the never ending striving…forever maybe. The constant is loving…no secret sauce, no epiphany, just love. Here’s the secret to MY knowing…you deserve to be loved as deeply as you love. There it is! The secret to my knowing. YOU deserve to be loved, we all do. YOU are worthy, we all are. You don’t need to “be”, reshape, or do anything other than show up…authentic. Because that’s when people will see you, and they will be like…wow! Look at this woman! She is rare! She is the kind of woman I want in my life, for as long as she’s meant to be here. And on the other side…you will be looking at these same humans and you will be wowed by their awesomeness too! You will take a moment each day, to give thanks, for their presence in your life. Never forget…the rare ones…they are a blessing, the Universe brought them into your life, cherish this gift…because it is real…and it is rare.
I love you. You are worthy. Right now.