Hello ya all,
My oh my, I’m a bit out of sorts in returning to Reinventing Beautiful in such a public way. However, if I’m going to ask you to walk in vulnerability with me, I need to be fully vulnerable with you.
This page, used to be my God-given solace on the hard days, while simultaneously, it brought me incredible joy to share the pain, the growth, self-love, and beauty that surrounds us. The love I feel for all of humanity, it shined out into the world here, from the beauty of face to face oneness to touching lives for miles, and miles, becoming one with the world, it happens here.
To begin again…if you know me well, you know that for a short time, I, and the ways that I shared and healed with the world became a target, became weapons to be used against me, in the most traumatic way I’d ever encountered. The speed with which the unraveling of me began to unfold was astonishing! Sharing the same space for less than four months, I was completely in the throes of being destroyed. At one point, there was a vast, all-encompassing emptiness in my life. An utter loss of peace, joy, love, and family was followed quickly by the need for fight or flight, the very necessity to choose survival, for myself & my family…I chose both fight and flight. To survive I was forced to fight, to reach deep inside my soul and recognize that I was not what a broken human, fully entangled in their demons, thrust upon me. Projection is a mighty force to protect yourself against. That shit just wreaks havoc on your self-esteem. Even when you fully know you are none of the ugliness being poured over you like hot lava, at some point in an attempt to “keep the peace” or “appease the beast” you will echo back their belittling words, agreeing with all of their made-up accusations and heart-wrenching dehumanizing, you accept what they are feeling about themselves as who you are. Does this even make sense? It may not because it’s fucking confusing. The flight is mentally given wing until you find your footing from rock bottom and physically remove yourself from the hate.
It’s what we all imagine is the unimaginable treatment of another human. It is systematic, calculated, evil. If you think you know what domestic abuse is…I urge you to learn more. I’m not special, many have experienced this pain for years, many didn’t survive. This makes me ache for them, bow my head and pray for them, and long for change for the ones blessed enough to still be here, fighting with all their might…to find their footing. I’m grateful, I am alive! I escaped the madness! I am free! I KNOW without a doubt, I NEVER deserved to be treated in such an ugly, evil way. Nobody is. Let me be clear…I take complete ownership of my part in the nightmare. I know now when you walk around believing you are unworthy, broken & damaged, undeserving of authentic love and belonging…you will unfailingly attract the same. When this happens, if you are not willing to step up to your boundaries and withstand the onslaught of someone else’s self-hatred, self-loathing, and in some cases evil, completely poured into your life…you will slowly, achingly die, piece by piece.
I am made of flesh and bone, as you, full of vast love and empathy. When you wake up one day and realize you are dying a death a thousand moments at a time, you have to stop, you have to breathe it all in, feel every single moment of pain, of shame, of death of you…love yourself enough to want her back. She’s always been there, right? Always…just waiting for you to see her, as she sees you. God! She sees you! You are so strong, so courageous. You are stunning. There are no words to fully describe you. The words matter less than the recognition.
Everything swirling around inside of me wants to pour out right now! I know though, that I need to fully embrace The Four Agreements, at this very moment I must do the following, to stay in alignment with myself.
Be impeccable with your word
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best
If you haven’t read The Four Agreements, you may not be fully realizing just how beautiful your life can be. Nor are you aware of your power over your life. You have everything you need, to reprogram your belief system, and to emerge gloriously! Okay a bit off-topic, but you’ll recognize the side-by-side journey of growth when you do the internal work of changing your external world.
So…I’m here right now, my core strengths, my values, my moral compass directs me towards forgiveness. It is extremely important to choose my words wisely, be impeccable with my word in this re-introduction to my tribe. Settle into this…there are steps forward, there are steps back into time, and there’s staying still, just treading water. The first step is about reaching deep into my becoming… your becoming…our mutual becoming. Thank you for stepping back into my world. For never giving up on me, for your belief in the journey. Thank you for loving yourself enough to never give up on you, to know that each new day is yours, to grow and learn. You have support here. You are loved here. You are never alone on your journey.