When You Are Ready…

After years of seeking inner peace…sleeping fitfully or not at all…I woke up the other day in a panic.  I could barely hold myself together long enough to leave the room before my fear raised questions I couldn’t face at that moment.  My heart was racing and all I could think about was running and hiding.

At first I thought to myself…wow…this was one horrible nightmare you just had…but as I covered my face and cried uncontrollably on the edge of my bathtub I realized this was real…flashbacks…flashbacks to the beginning of what would make me believe I was unworthy of love…the beginning of believing this is what life is meant to be…all that I would ever deserve.

As I slept wrapped in the arms of the only man that has ever made me feel safe and protected…the one and only man that makes me believe I am worthy of real love…the memories came crashing in…I was so angry!  It felt so unfair!  Why are all of these repressed memories resurfacing now?!  Here I was feeling so incredibly loved…loving with all that I have to give…happy…I mean truly happy at long last…why now?  Is it because I knew I was safe?

The memories…

Lashes resting gently on little girl cheeks like butterfly wings…peaceful…dreaming little girl dreams…then she hears him enter…and she inhales and holds her breath…she screams a million silent screams…praying he’ll show mercy…knowing her prayers will go unanswered…just as they always have…she begins to cry out for her mama only to have his hand silence her…her voice unheard yet again…a voice that will learn to silence itself as she grows older…because silence is what this man taught her is expected of her.  The weight of him crushes her…there is no escape from the physical pain that is her reality at this moment…so she goes inside herself…she escapes…she wraps herself in gossamer…disappearing inside herself…more and more each time…

He is the monster of her nightmares…the slayer of her innocence…as the abuse continues the little girl builds walls she can hide within…she locks herself inside where she can escape the pain…as time goes by less of her returns from the hiding place…all that is good and pure and aching for love stays behind the walls…so that she can protect the little girl…so the pain cannot touch her…so that her pain will not touch those she holds dear to her as she grows up…but it’s a lie she’s told herself…the walls must come down…the little girl must forgive…so that she can be restored…so that love of herself and love from another can help her become whole again…

From my heart to yours…may my truth help you find yours…

To be continued…fragile

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