I’m tired…I’m weary…exhausted…from being strong, from being everything to everyone…from pretending I have it all together…when in reality my life can be messy! Chaotic! And at times spinning out of control!
I never planned to be this woman. But I’ve made choices, I never wanted to let anyone down, worked late into the nights to please and appease…until I was lost and alone…wondering and wishing…hoping and dreaming that someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I’ve been there for them. I am strong. I am independent. I grew alone until I fell in love with myself.
Ironically when you look at me you see me as this strong and able woman. Staying the course, steady…yet inside I am shaking…I am vulnerable…I am woman.
I am trying. Despite it all I wake up each morning and tell myself everything is going to be ok. And begin anew. Even though some mornings I can barely see thru the tears that fill my eyes…my arms ache from the weight of carrying it all…still…I try. It seems crazy to me that the world believes I can be this strong. That I can stand alone endlessly and hold it all together…alone. Because I am a strong, independent woman…
Am I the only strong woman that longs for help, a strong arm to reach for when I begin to feel weak…someone to simply fall against at the end of a long day…someone that knows my power and knows when I need his so I can take a deep breathe and regather my strength ..someone I can rely on to allow me to be me…my beautiful self…and that will be enough…?
Do I continue to attempt to prove to the world I don’t need a man or a warrior…all the while knowing I’m trying to convince myself…or do I bravely admit there’s no shame in needing someone…giving voice to the fact I can’t do this life thing all on my own…at least not forever…because I’m beginning to believe that two strong hearts don’t need to beat as one…but together they can build an extraordinary life.
I’m tired. I long to be taken care of. No! Not financially…this is not for me…but a strong arm to hold me. I am strong. I am soft…I want to be loved…to love…at long last…to allow myself to be loved as I deserve. To receive as I have given…I give up. Not because I’m a failure but because I have learned. Certainly I can do or be anything I need to be in a moment…that doesn’t mean I have to. I can’t do it all. I can’t smile and bear it all on my own.
I read somewhere that we should fake it till we make it. I wish to disagree. I want to be real with what I need and want. I’m willing to be vulnerable for it.
Less thinking…more feeling…giving into passion…falling into arms that feel like forever. a safe harbor…breathing into love. To be okay with needing someone…and staying true to who we are as a strong woman. In fact I’m stronger than I’ve ever been…and yet…I feel the need for someone more now than ever. Someone that will kiss me hard and hug me like nothing else matters. Someone that will remind me it’s okay to be strong…and it’s okay if I can’t be all of the time.